Humor

From Townhall – Liberal Elites Are Even Ruining Hamburgers

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Saw a link to this article in my E-Mail this morning and had to share it with everyone.  It may sound silly at first but read it and you will see the many truths in it.   So without further ado here it is.

Liberal Elites Are Even Ruining Hamburgers And They Must Be Stopped

Kurt  Schlichter
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Posted: Sep 20, 2018 12:01 AM

Liberals can’t be happy with simply ruining the lives of decent conservatives for cheap political gain. They have to ruin hamburgers, too.

The burger is the ultimate Normal food, and horrible liberal elitists are trying to screw it up with lame alternative burgers because they are terrible.

Let me be clear, to quote an awful ex-president: Nothing I write here is open to debate. I’m turning the epistemic closure thing back on the libs. It is impossible to disagree with my ground beef rantings, and if you do, you are racist, sexist, and a burgerphobic cisdinner hate criminal of hatred.

Let’s clarify something else. Hamburgers are the King of American Casual Food. You can eat it in a bar, you can eat it in a car. Just don’t eat it in some trendy coastal eatery because they’ll screw it all up and you’ll end up dreaming of a Big Mac.

Sloppy Joes are gross. They are burgers’ ne’er-do-well little brother, 35 and living in the basement nursing emotional damage because mom liked burgers better. And who wouldn’t? Sloppy Joes are orangey muck plopped onto a bun. They provide none of the firm but juicy consistency, or the satisfying interplay of extras and condiments, that make the burger nature’s perfect food. They are mere goo and are unworthy of a proud and free people.

Naturally, artisanal Sloppy Joes are probably about to become a thing.

Hot dogs are likewise terrible – what the hell is a hot dog anyway? With their troubling shape, unnatural smoothness, and nauseating consistency, the hot dog is a mutant entrée, a devolved sausage without flavor or purpose. You have to waste perfectly good chili – chili that should be in a bowl topped with sour cream in a just universe – just to make a hot dog taste like something.

Even the name is unappetizing, unless you are Obama. My kid says hot dogs are really tacos because of the bread V, and he makes a good point. Except tacos are tasty and hot dogs are awful.

Eat a burger, like a man, damnit. And don’t be a Fredocon and whine about how the bun has gluten.

Millennial elitist dorks are all about screwing up burgers. “Gourmet” burgers, they call them. But they are a sad simulacrum of true burgers, and a crime against nature. The menus of those precious gastropubs that spring up in the gentrified blue coastal urban centers are loaded with “specialty burgers” with cutesy names and inane combinations of ingredients. It’s sad. Unable to create anything of value, these goateed hipster monsters can only pervert and deform that which is pure and beautiful. A burger is simple goodness. And, as they do with everything else, liberals screw them up.

A burger requires, at the threshold, good meat. There lies the first problem. This meat must come from a cow. But many of these dorks will try to create a sort of patty from something else, like (shiver) vegan pea protein. Note that peas are terrible, and only by putting them on a burger in place of a beef patty can these offensive soft green nuts be made worse.

But the elite can even screw up meat. Somewhere along the line, maybe when the waygu craze started, they decided that soft, tasteless beef with the consistency of wet newspaper was the bomb. You get an $18 burger (I live in LA – air costs $1 a breath) with this fancy meat, and it’s like mush. Why is it so hard to make “good meat” actually good?

But it’s artisanal, which means overpriced and bad. “Oh, the cow was grass fed and massaged and hugged and it’s favorite band was Styx,” they’ll say, like I want to be friends with the damn Dinner Horse. I want to eat it, and I want it to taste like beef. But fancy elitist liberal beef doesn’t taste like beef. It tastes like ruined dreams and the Deep Thoughts of Kamala Harris.

Beef. Normal beef. You can fry it on the grill or cook it over a flame – see, I totally embrace diversity – but it can’t be some weird mushpatty. Not if you want a burger instead of some pathetic charade on a bun.

The bun. I’m open minded. You can do the traditional sesame seed style, or a potato roll. If you want to get kinky, throw it on rye for a patty melt. I will even accept a ciabatta in some cases. But a pretzel bun? What the hell is that?

Stop doing horrible things just to try to freak out the squares.

Cheese. Some of you eat burgers without cheese for reasons I cannot fathom. This is wrong and you are wrong. But worse than putting no cheese on your burger is putting the wrong cheese on your burger, thereby making it a wrong burger.

American cheese is the quintessential burger cheese, and the name probably explains why liberals hate it. Cheddar is acceptable. Bleu cheese? That’s borderline – sure, I’ve tried it, but who hasn’t gone through an experimental phase?

Swiss? Gross. Provolone? What’s wrong with you? Gruyere? Now you’re just screwing with us.

Things to put on burgers break down into condiments and other stuff. Optional condiments include mustard and mayonnaise. Not Miracle Whip. I am not even sure what that is. Also, no Sriracha, no guacamole, no BBQ sauce. Mandatory condiments are ketchup and more ketchup. One of a hamburger’s key roles is to serve as a ketchup delivery system. There’s this one trendy place in LA that will remain nameless and patronless that serves this weird tomato fruit roll-up it calls a “ketchup leather.” They got the leather part right. The burger, which hipster doofuses rave about, tastes like an old shoe.

Special sauce aka thousand island dressing aka ketchup + mayonnaise is an acceptable alternative to ketchup. Note that “ketchup” does not include “catsup” or grody Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s “organic” ketchup. The only good ketchup is mass-produced stuff you buy in a regular supermarket where they don’t sell kale.

Other stuff. Bacon? Not my scene but I won’t judge. Lettuce? Eh? Take it or leave it. Tomatoes? Yes. Pickles? Yes. Onions? Yes, grilled, fresh, or – if you are awesome – both. But nothing weird. No “tomato jam” or “onion chow-chow.”

It’s not hard. Don’t be weird for the sake of being weird and you’ll have a decent burger. Start messing with something that works and you get Obamacare.

Look. They’ve taken Hollywood. They’ve taken the media. They’ve taken the college campuses. And they’ve messed them all up. We can’t give up burgers, too.

My upcoming book Militant Normals: How Regular Americans Are Rebelling Against the Elite to Reclaim Our Democracy  contains no burger recipes, because normal people don’t need burger recipes. Normals take meat, throw it on a grill, put it on a bun, put some stuff on it, and eat it like the heroes they are.

And liberals? They screw up everything they touch. The arts. Academia. Dinner.

So, confirm your normality by rejecting burger mutations. And confirm Kavanaugh, too.

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Humor – Lighten Up

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Healthy Tourism

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, “Say, is this really a healthful place?”

“It sure is,” the cabby replied. “When I came here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said the tourist, “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

Television Shows

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There are a number of TV shows my wife and I watch on a regular basis and then there are some that I watch on my own.    We have a regular list of shows each night that we watch as we are eating dinner;   but my wife prefers to record them and then fast forward through the commercials – as for me I prefer not to be bothered so I just put on a show and watch it in real time.

My wife tends to like the sit coms and I like police shows.

The Big Bang Theory is still the funniest show going.  But there are a few others that I get a good laugh out of:  Man With A Plan, Mom, Life In Pieces, Fresh Off The Boat.  The rest of the comedies are hit and miss.

On Monday nights I love watching “Scorpion” – it is a great show and besides the weekly case they work on there is a big of humor thrown in.   This is one of those shows that I look forward to.

Of course I still watch faithfully NCIS (all of them), Criminal Minds.   I don’t know exactly why but all of these shows seem to have found a new life and I guess I attribute that to great writing.

And lets not forget the BBC shows we watch and enjoy.   Doc Martin is a must watch and so is As Time Goes By – these are excellent shows and there is a new season of Doc Martin on the horizen.  I also watch shows like Death In Paradise,  Murdoch Mysteries (the Artful Detective) and the Doctor Blake Mysteries.

One thing I don’t watch on TV anymore is the news.  We do watch some news (infrequently) on FOX but not too often and usually if there isn’t anything on that interests me.

The new shows from this past season such as SWAT and SEAL Team are ok but they are not shows I look forward to watch every week.    I watch some of their episodes but it all depends on my mood I guess.

 

Does God Have A Sense Of Humor

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Another short post. I believe that God does have a sense of humor, how else can you explain zebras? And there is this: God gave me a love of music of all kinds and there is very little that I don’t listen to (there are exceptions and they are Rap music and Opera); I love music that I find on YouTube that is older than I am and a lot of music by folks that I have never heard of. (the other shoe dropping) however God did not give me any talent to play an instrument or to sing – yep my singing voice is terrible but I still sing if the right song is playing (Under the Boardwalk by the Drifters is one of them).

 

 

Yes, I Remember

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Remember Slow Food?
‘Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’
‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,
I informed him.
‘All the food was slow.’
‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’
‘It was a place called ‘at
Home,” I explained. !
‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levi’s, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called ‘pizza pie.’ When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers–my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren
Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5 Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels…[if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15.S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packard’s
21. Roller skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’ re older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don’t forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really good
OLD FRIENDS

A Little Humor

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Oneliner #1021
If you love something, let it go: unless it’s balloons.
NANEXT
You know the economic recession has really gotten bad when:

…you get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

…Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 Congressmen.

…You see a polygamist with only one wife.

…the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

…McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

…Parents in Beverly Hills fire their nannies and learn their children’s names.

…A truckload of Americans are caught sneaking into another country

…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

…A picture is now only worth 200 words.

Quotes for You

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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
Will Rogers
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers

I’m a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.
Oscar Levant