Funny

Yes, I Remember

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Remember Slow Food?
‘Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’
‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,
I informed him.
‘All the food was slow.’
‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’
‘It was a place called ‘at
Home,” I explained. !
‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levi’s, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called ‘pizza pie.’ When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers–my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren
Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5 Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels…[if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15.S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packard’s
21. Roller skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’ re older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don’t forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really good
OLD FRIENDS

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A Little Humor

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Oneliner #1021
If you love something, let it go: unless it’s balloons.
NANEXT
You know the economic recession has really gotten bad when:

…you get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

…Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 Congressmen.

…You see a polygamist with only one wife.

…the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

…McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

…Parents in Beverly Hills fire their nannies and learn their children’s names.

…A truckload of Americans are caught sneaking into another country

…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

…A picture is now only worth 200 words.

Quotes for You

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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
Will Rogers
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers

I’m a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.
Oscar Levant

What Is A Cat

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What is a cat?

* Cats do what they want.

* They rarely listen to you.

* They’re totally unpredictable.

* They whine when they are not happy.

* When you want to play, they want to be alone.

* When you want to be alone, they want to play.

* They expect you to cater to their every whim.

* They’re moody.

* They leave hair everywhere.

* They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats

Cat Haiku

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You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

I need a new toy. 
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

In deep sleep hear sound.
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then
silence. Me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
returns with gifts of plump birds ---
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic.
Confuses for litter box. 
Don't leave tarp around...

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, damn! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst.
Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for "Cup Hockey".

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll poop in the sink.

We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

Inconsistencies, Ramblings, Whatever . . .

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I have noticed that the animal lovers in the family periodically say they don’t like to eat meat and lament about becoming a vegetarian.    However these same people when buying dog or cat food always make sure that “real meat” is in the bag.

When shopping in the grocery store there is no sign for toilet paper;  it is always labeled “Bath Tissue”.  Now who in their right mind when getting into the shower would grab a roll of “Bath Tissue”?   You can’t wash or dry with it, it would fall apart and be totally useless.

There are times when listening to music I always think to myself that the music from long ago had more meaning and better lyrics etc.   However it is about then that I hear songs with lyrics like “ram a lama ding dong” or “alley oop boop”, “I’m shaking like a man on a fuzzy tree” and then there is return to sender;  now when have you ever been able to mail a letter and have it returned the very next day – turn around on that would probably be about 5 or 6 days minimum.

From Twitter: Church Curmudgeon

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Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Mar 28

Do King James Only churches post their sermons on ThouTube?

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon 24h24 hours ago

Scandal at the National Amateur Handbell Choir Tournament. Looks like the winning team hired a couple of ringers.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 8

If Trump would just identify as a woman, we’d have the perfect storm.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 7

On the positive side, they’ve discovered a new perpetual energy source: All the founding fathers spinning in their graves. #PrimaryDay

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 6

First day of VBS, and I got 3 kids to rededicate themselves to staying off the lawn.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 2

This election is pretty much proof that someone went back a million years in a time machine and stepped on a butterfly.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 2

Lady next door uses a 24-hour lawn service. Doesn’t bother me, except when . . . In the midnight hour, she cries, “Mow, mow, mow!”