Just Me Again

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I have a lot of self doubts lately and can’t even get excited about going to church or even
which church I want to go to.   I have never been  a strong or exciting person and it is
getting worse everyday.  Dot really needs someone a lot better or stronger than me,  someone
who loves parties and having fun.   The family would be better off with someone else but they
are stuck with me and I am just not a strong enough personality to overcome this.   Hell I
have lived here in NY for 45 years with Dot and have like 0 friends other than the folks I
say good morning to in church when I go. 

I don’t think there is any aspect of my life that I have any control over.  Some examples:

1. Clumps of crab apple trees on the back hill that I liked.  Dot and Danny decided they had to go so a neighbor
was cutting them down for firewood;  I spoke to him and asked him to leave one of them for me
and he did.   But a day of so later they were gone because Dot and Danny wanted them gone. 

2. Over the years I have made many suggestions for our Valentine Anniversay and several times I
even made reservations.  However my batting average is zero and I had to call and cancel the
reservations as there is always something better to do.

3. For my birthday I was asked where I wanted to eat so I said I wanted to try a place I saw on
the internet and wanted to try it; to make a long story short we didn’t eat there we went to
the Red Robin.

These are just a few examples but the bottom line is that I dread it when people insist I make
a choice when I know that once I do I will hear about 40 alternate (better) suggestions and will
end up doing plan B every time.

I don’t know,  I just find life to be very tedious and tiring but I do trudge on . . .


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