I have a lot of self doubts lately and can’t even get excited about going to church or even
which church I want to go to. I have never been a strong or exciting person and it is
getting worse everyday. Dot really needs someone a lot better or stronger than me, someone
who loves parties and having fun. The family would be better off with someone else but they
are stuck with me and I am just not a strong enough personality to overcome this. Hell I
have lived here in NY for 45 years with Dot and have like 0 friends other than the folks I
say good morning to in church when I go.
I don’t think there is any aspect of my life that I have any control over. Some examples:
1. Clumps of crab apple trees on the back hill that I liked. Dot and Danny decided they had to go so a neighbor
was cutting them down for firewood; I spoke to him and asked him to leave one of them for me
and he did. But a day of so later they were gone because Dot and Danny wanted them gone.
2. Over the years I have made many suggestions for our Valentine Anniversay and several times I
even made reservations. However my batting average is zero and I had to call and cancel the
reservations as there is always something better to do.
3. For my birthday I was asked where I wanted to eat so I said I wanted to try a place I saw on
the internet and wanted to try it; to make a long story short we didn’t eat there we went to
the Red Robin.
These are just a few examples but the bottom line is that I dread it when people insist I make
a choice when I know that once I do I will hear about 40 alternate (better) suggestions and will
end up doing plan B every time.
I don’t know, I just find life to be very tedious and tiring but I do trudge on . . .